Fork it. Fork it hard.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

CRJ considering how she's so good at making pop songs
The title's in pink so you know it's the deluxe version.
Remember that annoyingly catchy 2011 song "Call Me Maybe" with the music video featuring that awkward Canadian girl?  She's back!!  And just in case you thought she was a talentless one-hit wonder, she brought her guns out for Emotion (stylized EMOTION [stylized E•MO•TION]).


seriously what the fuck
The song also inspired a number of disturbing memes.
It's kind of insane actually.  So Kiss, the album containing "Call Me Maybe" was the definition of a rush job.  Once "Call" (look at me shorting titles like I'm the Washington Post) blew up, Carly recorded that entire album in 2 months to capitalize on the success of the lead single.  Which is impressive considering the Japanese version of that album had six bonus tracks on it (what is up with the Japanese version of every album, anyway?!). 

Afterwards, Carly decided to take a break to be Cinderella. No, I'm not kidding, she literally appeared in the Broadway version of Cinderella for three months.  


also she acts like a 16 yr old all the time
To be fair, she's kind of a perfect fit for the role (read: very white).
And then she decided to take two years to meticulously craft a flawless pop album.  The process of which, as she casually brought up in an interview, involved writing 250 songs. Not even Beyoncé can claim to be that obsessive (she barely recorded 80 for Beyoncé).

So, did all that effort pay off?  Let's look track by track and review all 15 of the songs on the deluxe version.  But also, yes, it did. 


ha, you thot! she's watching u masturbate
I legitimately have nothing funny to say about this, I just really like this cover.
1. Run Away With Me - 10/10
Now THIS is how you start an album. Four minutes into Emotion, and you've already listened to the best pop song of 2015. If anything, the placement hurts the album because nothing can live up to it. There's a sense of nostalgia, of epicness, of pure ecstasy that bleeds from the synths, saxes, and vocals of this track. This is the perfect maturation of Carly - still blissfully optimistic, but with a more complex understanding of just how special that is. Get ready for a treat, because songs like this barely come around once a year, let alone once an album.

2. Emotion - 8.5/10
A track so sugary sweet it takes a listen or two to realize it's lyrics are actually quite spiteful. Still, Carly pulls it off really well. The lyrics aren't perfect, but the chorus is catchy, and the song is impeccably crafted.


Tom Hanks, Carly Rae Jespen, and friend
This was probably very awkward to film.
3. I Really Like You - 9.5/10
As a lead single, you can't really hope for a better one than I Really Like You. It takes less than one listen to get utterly hooked on the song, but even after a dozen plus plays, you're still invested. This isn't as simple or as potentially annoying as Call Me Maybe, but it's just as catchy. The lyrics are some of Carly's most relatable. There's so many songs about first meeting your soulmate, or being hopelessly in love forever with someone, but far fewer about the lengthy amount of time in between lust and love. It's catchy, brilliant, stuff. Why not a 10? "Who gave you eyes like that?/Said you could keep them?" Yeah...

4. Gimme Love - 8/10
After the triple punch of the track openers, it was hard not to feel like Gimme Love was a dramatic drop in quality. It's a very simple song. Hook, lyrics, sound, they're all serviceable but don't scream perfection like the three before it. However, when I finally listened to this carefully with headphones, the song's bubbling, rhythms and almost robotic sound really sold me on this.


a failed attempt to whip one's hair back and forth
She looks like a 16 year old gay boy here, and I unironically love it.

5. All That - 9/10
All That feels a little out of place where it is on the album, feeling like it was ripped right out of an 80s album. The ballad is slow, with simple lyrics, and barely any structural complexity. It's mostly just Carly singing the same one line chorus. But it WORKS. There's something so genuine and touching about a ballad where the person isn't looking for love, but friendship. Carly is at her best when she's impossibly genuine in the midst of our cynical world,  and All That is a perfect example.

6. Boy Problems - 6/10
Another piece of evidence that Sia is spreading herself too thin with her songwriting, Boy Problems is probably the most disposable of all the songs on Emotion. With supposedly 238 other songs available for this album, I'm really not sure why this song was chosen for the standard version of the album. It's childish in a bad way, with the synths verging on annoying, and while the lyrical concept IS fresh, the execution is very basic. Destined to be skipped.

7. Making the Most of the Night - 9/10
The closest sibling of Run Away With Me, Making the Most of the Night can't live up to it's relative, but is still a hell of a pop song. The verses bounce with a fierce determination, building to a flashy chorus. It's neither as powerful or as catchy as Run Away, but it's also unfair to compare it to the album's opener.  Taken on its own, this is a catchy, powerful, impeccably crafted pop jam.


"ayye lmao im taking a shit onstage!"
I'm having fun listening to your album too, Carly :)
8.Your Type - 7/10
Probably the album's least effective ballad, Your Type is a little forced and bland. While the production still is great, Carly can't quite sell the angsty ex-lover persona this song needs. Still, there are moments this song really shines (the anguished "I'll make time for you," the layering synths). The song never reaches greatness though.

9. Let's Get Lost - 9/10
God, this chorus. There are earworms, and then there's Let's Get Lost. It's the kind of song that effortlessly repeats in your head for hours on end, and it's good enough that you won't even be angry. The start of this track sounds a little cheesy in a bad way, but by the time the saxophones play on the bridge, you'll be totally on board. Let's take the long way home and play this one a few more times.


oh.............. hi steve.
When that guy who thinks your friends waves to you and you have to act like you care.
10. LA Hallucinations - 8/10
This song is a dangerous, explicit track about losing love to the seedy world of LA fame. Wait, this is a Carly Rae Jepsen track? On one hand, this track contains some of the most autobiographical lyrics on the album. And more than you'd think, Carly actually sells the persona. On the other hand, she still only sells the persona about 50%. The track still has the light, happy vibe of nearly all the tracks on this album, making the dark lyrics also ring false. 

11. Warm Blood - 8/10
A true deep cut, Warm Blood feels like an experiment to show Carly isn't just a cookie cutter pop star. It more or less succeeds, but never verges on being spectacular. Lay back and enjoy.


if taylor swift circa 2006 was even more awkward
I tried googling "carly rae jepsen sad" and this was the most convincing picture I could find.
12. When I Needed You - 7/10
Carly really can't do sad. Unfortunately, she decided she wanted to end her album on a angsty, tragic song. Perhaps it was an attempt to show diversity, or maturity, but it doesn't really work. Like every other song on this album, it's expertly constructed and has some good hooks, but there's really no emotional impact. I don't feel sad or vindictive. I don't fall into Carly's persona at all, which leaves this as a nice sounding song without any substance.


I hate small talk . I wanna hear about your childhood and your favorite scents, what types of music you like & your religious views & where you want to live when you're older & drugs n alcohol & what keeps you up at night & how much certain things mean to you & your insecurities & your fears - I don't wanna know "whats up"
To separate the standard songs from the deluxe songs, here's a fun clip art image.

13. Black Heart - 7/10
Weird. I'm gonna guess this is a grower, but judging by the first few listens, I find it unnecessary.

14. I Didn't Just Come Here to Dance - 6/10
Why does Carly have a weird accent here? Why is the title of this song so long? Why did I pay for the deluxe version of this album?

15. Favorite Colour - 9/10
Oh right, because of this song. While this might be controversial, I think this song is the perfect end to EMOTION, and, along with Run Away With Me, the best example of Carly maturing as an artist. While her vocals sound as girlish as many of her other sounds, the song still has a very adult air about it. This isn't a song about a high school relationship, but perhaps one that makes you feel like a high schooler again. The verses are so soft and gentle that the rise of the chorus gains a brilliant sense of power and ecstasy. The lyrics are also some of Carly's best, being relatable yet original. It's childish and adult, sleepy and thrilling, cliché and original. A perfect end to a near perfectly crafted album.


^u^
Wasn't that fun?
Overall, EMOTION is a pretty amazing album.  It shows that pop music can be impeccably crafted without feeling manufactured.  There's something very down to earth about this album, even when every song is polished to a razor sharp glow (pretend that metaphor makes sense).

Still, the biggest problem is that for an album that literally screams "emotion," there's a distinct lack of that in the delivery of these songs.  Carly, to be honest, just isn't very good at emoting in her voice.  When you're listening to a song or two, that's not that big of a deal, but after an entire album, it does diminish how much you can actually connect with her as a persona.  So where does that leave us?  An insanely polished, catchy, and quality pop album that can feel distant at times.  While this isn't album of the year, I do want to reiterate that the album most likely has the song of the year on it. 

Seriously, I could've just spent this entire article singing the praises of "Run Away With Me" but instead, let me just leave you with the music video.



 Oh! And a number out of 10. Can't forget about that.

9/10 
+ "Run Away With Me", "I Really Like You", "Let's Get Lost", "Favourite Colour"
- "Boy Problems", "Your Type", "I Didn't Just Come Here to Dance"

Friday, December 13, 2013

beyonce
SHE IS NOT FUCKING WITH TRICK BITCHES ANYMORE
12/13/13: something was supposed to be important today. (another pop bitch? a ratchet sequel? a ugly guy with a weave?) but then the world changed when god of the universe BEYONCÉ GISELLE KNOWLES-CARTER came out of a wormhole in space and dropped BEYONCÉ to the Earth.

Early scientific reports says the Earth may never recover.

Not only is this A FOURTEEN SONG ALBUM, the bitch wasn't even content with killing every pop bitch in the game, she had to burn them alive, bring them back to life, then have their eyes melt aS THEY WATCH THE 17 MUSIC VIDEOS SHE ALSO DROPPED TODAY.

beyonce cleaning up the trash
Exhibit 1: Beyonce cleaning up the dirty dishes.
If you thought 2013 was done with a nice little ribbon on it, check your bald ass head cuz yo weave just got snatched.

Still from one of the SEVENTEEN MUSIC VIDEOS ON THIS VISUAL ALBUM EXPERIENCE
Remember when Beyonce used to give one fuck? After a full year of pop bitches doing the absolute most to sell 12 copies, Beyonce literally tweets "surprise" and calls it a day for promo.

And people think she doesn't fuck Jay-Z in the ass with a strap on...

Each $5 she sold cost $100 to market. Thirst knows no limits.
Literally she named a song ***Flawless because two * weren't enough and hAS A FOURTH OF THE SONG BE A SPOKEN WORD FEMINIST SPEECH.

The last thing you see before Beyonce turns yo' bitch ass to stone with her black voodoo magic.
I truly thought Beyonce was done.

Oh

how

wrong

I

was.


Oh oh yeah, and the musics pretty good too.


BEYONCÉ SONG LIST
1. “Pretty Hurts”
2. “Haunted”
3. “Drunk in Love” (Featuring JAY Z)
4. “Blow/Cherry”
5. “No Angel”
6. “Yoncé/Partition”
7. “Jealous”
8. “Rocket”
9. “Mine” (Featuring Drake)
10. “XO”
11. “***Flawless” (Featuring Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie)
12. “Superpower” (Featuring Frank Ocean)
13. “Heaven”
14. “Blue” (Featuring Blue Ivy)
BEYONCÉ VIDEO LIST
1. “Pretty Hurts” – Directed by Melina Matsoukas
2. “Ghost” – Directed by Pierre Debusschere
3. “Haunted” – Directed by Jonas Akerlund
4. “Drunk in Love” – Directed by Hype Williams
5. “Blow” – Directed by Hype Williams
6. “No Angel” – Directed by @lilinternet
7. “Yoncé” – Directed by Ricky Saiz
8. “Partition” – Directed by Jake Nava
9. “Jealous” – Directed by Beyoncé, Francesco Carrozzini & Todd Tourso
10. “Rocket” – Directed by Beyoncé, Ed Burke & Bill Kirstein
11. “Mine” – Directed by Pierre Debusschere
12. “XO” – Directed by Terry Richardson
13. “***Flawless” – Directed by Jake Nava
14. “Superpower” – Directed by Jonas Akerlund
15. “Heaven” – Directed by Beyoncé & Todd Tourso
16. “Blue” – Directed by Beyoncé, Ed Burke & Bill Kirstein
**BONUS VIDEO – “Grown Woman” – Directed by Jake Nava

Wednesday, November 20, 2013


Now that Justin Bieber finally popped his cherry by going to Brazil and sleeping with a prostitute, he's now convinced he's the expert of all things sex, as "PYD" clearly shows. PYD stands for "put you down" btw, which made me think this was an anti-bullying song for a while.

*Sigh*. Can I just listen to the iTunes snippet and pretend to have listened to the whole song and trash it? No? Ugh fine, gimme a second.

PYD = prickish young douchebag?
Browsing the YouTube comments while listening to this diarrhea.

Monday, November 18, 2013

This segment reviews the top 10 U.S. iTunes songs of the week.


iTunes Top 10: Diana, PYD, The Monster, Royals, etc.
iTunes Top 10 for 11/18 (taken around 4pm)
As thanksgiving (and more importantly, Black Friday) inches closer, the pop industry is churning out even more trash than usual. After all, executives need Christmas presents too ($$$). This week saw a massive influx in music by boys who are only popular because 13 year old girls want to have sex with them. Other than that, some pretty interesting reshuffling has happened. Where did all the females go? Let's find out, and start the impressions.

1. One Direction - Diana (review)

One Direction is top dog this week utilizing their massive fan-base of sexually frustrated Tumblr users to push this new release to the top. It's.... eh. More than the usual eh of One Direction. (maybe it's a grower?)

One Direction shirtless with a bunch of instafilters over them
Lbr, this is the only reason they're successful.
So even though One Direction is literally used as a euphemism for anal penetration in my friend circle ("I heard One Direction coming from my quad mate's room yesterday"), I actually listen to a few of their songs, especially this era. I got addicted to "Best Song Ever" once I found out I could play ukulele to it really easily, and I finally listened to "Story of my Life" and thought it was Spotify-worthy.

However, I can't really get into this song. Even looking beyond 1D's usual teen-Robin-Thicke lyrics. Like, it probably wasn't best to admit "you don't even know me" and then proceed to talk about sexing her up, and wanting to save her from her actual boyfriend. Also, do all five of them wanna have sex with this girl gang bang style, or are the rest just being musical wingmans?

One Direction as really airbrushed superheroes
"Don't worry! We'll save you from making your own choices about who you want to date!"
Anyway, the chorus is only decent and the verses are really dull. Next.

[WAIT-UNTIL-YOU-DIRECTIONER-FRIENDS-FORCE-YOU-TO-LISTEN-TO IT]

2. Justin Bieber -  PYD (feat. R Kelly) (review)

Can I just listen to the iTunes snippet and pretend to have listened to the whole song and trash it? No? Ugh fine, gimme a second.

PYD = prickish young douchebag?
Browsing the YouTube comments while listening to this diarrhea.
Darren Criss being sexier than you
Looking at hot guys to try and distract myself.
he's shirtless
Fuck this song is five minutes I did not plan for this.
r kelly is sad he got caught
Thinking up an R Kelly pee joke during his verse.
Okay so yeah, it still sucks.

[SHADE IT]

3. Eminem - The Monster (feat. Rihanna) (review)

Eminem's pandering-to-the-charts song drops two spots, but we all know JB and 1D's songs are gonna fall out of the top 10 by tomorrow, so it's still pretty much on top.

"Must not... look grateful..."
I added this song on Spotify and have listened to it a bit (19 times). However, it's started to get pretty boring already. Eminem's verses are cute and all ("Hit the lottery, oh wee", "guess beggars can't be choosey"), and Rihanna is on the chorus, but it all feels really light. Which is weird for a song about suffering from multiple mental illnesses. Idk. Eminiem's gonna slay the charts with this, but I'm gonna keep listening to "Beautiful Pain" instead.

[SPOTIFY IT]

4. Lorde - Royals (review)

Can we talk about the music video for a second? Like

  1. How the US version is literally the same thing except we see Lorde's face more. Just shows how celebrity obsessed this country is compared to the rest of the world.
  2. The two dudes in this.
two gay guys smiling at each other
Does anyone else ship them? No? Okay.
   3. Why are they boxing in a suspiciously unfurnished house? Like for a song about just being a normal                teenager, nothing they do in this music video is what any real teen does. 
boy smiling about the fact he's bleeding from his mouth
Completely normal behavior.
[BUY IT]

5. OneRepublic - Counting Stars (review)

It'd take a really long time to count the stars. Like a seriously long time. Although I guess it'd probably take the same amount of time as counting dollars for OneRepublic with this song continuing to make bank.

I should probably talk about the music video, but I need a few more days to process it.

onerepublic is underneath a aa meeting and the floor broke
Uhh...
[SPOTIFY IT]

6. God$ha - Timber (feat. Shitbull) (review)

Timber cover
That girl's spray tan is as brown as wood.
God$ha continues to explode expectations and dominate the world with this pop masterpiece. In 100 years, historians will study this song for insight into the deep cultural values of early 21st century America. This song will play on the oldies station of Pandora. Ke$ha will be immortalized in ice so she can still smash out a hit every few years. And Warrior will still have sold less than 20 copies.

[BUY IT]

7. One Direction - Diana (review)

One Direction is top dog this week utilizing their massive fan-base of sexually frustrated Tumblr users to push this.... wait a second, what the fuck is this song doing at #7?!

Okay, so after thoroughly investigating, it seems that this version of the song is from the standard version of the album, while the one at #1 is from the deluxe version.

Also, both versions are exactly the same.

So pretty much, bitches be so thirsty they're buying this trash heap of a song twice in the hopes that Harry will let them suck his dick.

Not sure I'm seeing the appeal.
[STOP IT]

8. Imagine Dragons - Demons (review)

The cutest song of 2013 continues to get cuter. I've been blasting this song since last week, and still haven't gotten bored. Plus, the music video.

It's literally in memory of a guy who died of cancer, and consists of showing how their fan's lives are all fucked up (skinny guy hates being skinny, dad's an abusive drunk, etc).

Screengrab from "Demons" music video
Unaltered "Demons" music video screenshot.
[BUY IT]

9. Passenger - Let Her Go (review)

I really wanna like this song. Passenger has been around forever and now he finally is getting his first hit, the song's lyrics are well crafted, and it's great to see folk music making a (super minor) comeback.

But his voice is so annoying like holy fuck.

[SPOTIFY IT]

10. Katy Perry - Roar (review)

katy perry tries to be gangsta and its hilarious
All I have to say about the song this week.
[SPOTIFY IT]


Obscure Indie Gems: aka any song not in the top 10
50. Lily Allen - Hard Out Here: I was gonna make a full review of this song. I still might. But basically all you need to know about this song is the chorus is seven words and feminists, argued, a lot, about, this, song.

88. Sia - Elastic Heart: I finally got around to listening to this. Gonna play this song like 10 times once I publish this post to wash the taste of "PYD" from my mouth. (also, I'm totally convinced this would be a great song to make love to, even though the lyrics aren't very applicable for that act.)

I started this article like two years ago and never finished it. Cleaning house, here it is.

Glitches!
As mentioned before, these versions are direct NES ports of the games. Basically, a ROM dump. That means that all the glitches and bugs that were present in those games should work on your 3DS. This is really exciting for me, as I love trying out glitches. Here are a few of my favorites for you to try:

This segment reviews the top 10 U.S. iTunes songs of the week.

iTunes Top Ten review: All Bad, The Monster, Royals, Counting Stars, etc.
iTunes Top 10 for 11/11 (taken around 5pm)
On this lucky week (make a wish!), let's look at what songs are currently making bank in the top 10. This week isn't All Bad, as some Royal tunes are Roaring  and.... okay whatever, let's just skip to the impressions.

1. Justin Bieber - All Bad (review)

The newest entry in the "Music Mondays" series, Bieb's attempt to make his fans buy 10 singles and then also buy the album, "All Bad" is a title reflecting on his music.

Ha.

After like two years of inactivity, the urge to blog again has hit. Well, it's hit at least one of us, aka me, Luke. Those other lazy bitches are doing far less important things like getting a college education and experiencing love.

So what's changed in two years? I've gotten even sassier, and am more interested in pop music than video games. Because video games are for nerds and virgins.

troll doll smiling at you with dead eyes
Also, I've taken my love of captions and applied that to hover-text.
But there'll still probably be video game stuff. Idk. I just want a place to be able to write about whatever thing is interesting me, so I'm hijacking this blog. Hope you like it.

a walking gay stereotype
Me, p-much.