Fork it. Fork it hard.

Friday, December 13, 2013

12/13/13: something was supposed to be important today. (another pop bitch? a ratchet sequel? a ugly guy with a weave?) but then the world changed when god of the universe BEYONCÉ GISELLE KNOWLES-CARTER came out of a wormhole in space and dropped BEYONCÉ to the Earth.

Early scientific reports says the Earth may never recover.

Not only is this A FOURTEEN SONG ALBUM, the bitch wasn't even content with killing every pop bitch in the game, she had to burn them alive, bring them back to life, then have their eyes melt aS THEY WATCH THE 17 MUSIC VIDEOS SHE ALSO DROPPED TODAY.

beyonce cleaning up the trash
Exhibit 1: Beyonce cleaning up the dirty dishes.
If you thought 2013 was done with a nice little ribbon on it, check your bald ass head cuz yo weave just got snatched.

Remember when Beyonce used to give one fuck? After a full year of pop bitches doing the absolute most to sell 12 copies, Beyonce literally tweets "surprise" and calls it a day for promo.

And people think she doesn't fuck Jay-Z in the ass with a strap on...

Each $5 she sold cost $100 to market. Thirst knows no limits.
Literally she named a song ***Flawless because two * weren't enough and hAS A FOURTH OF THE SONG BE A SPOKEN WORD FEMINIST SPEECH.

The last thing you see before Beyonce turns yo' bitch ass to stone with her black voodoo magic.
I truly thought Beyonce was done.






Oh oh yeah, and the musics pretty good too.

1. “Pretty Hurts”
2. “Haunted”
3. “Drunk in Love” (Featuring JAY Z)
4. “Blow/Cherry”
5. “No Angel”
6. “Yoncé/Partition”
7. “Jealous”
8. “Rocket”
9. “Mine” (Featuring Drake)
10. “XO”
11. “***Flawless” (Featuring Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie)
12. “Superpower” (Featuring Frank Ocean)
13. “Heaven”
14. “Blue” (Featuring Blue Ivy)
1. “Pretty Hurts” – Directed by Melina Matsoukas
2. “Ghost” – Directed by Pierre Debusschere
3. “Haunted” – Directed by Jonas Akerlund
4. “Drunk in Love” – Directed by Hype Williams
5. “Blow” – Directed by Hype Williams
6. “No Angel” – Directed by @lilinternet
7. “Yoncé” – Directed by Ricky Saiz
8. “Partition” – Directed by Jake Nava
9. “Jealous” – Directed by Beyoncé, Francesco Carrozzini & Todd Tourso
10. “Rocket” – Directed by Beyoncé, Ed Burke & Bill Kirstein
11. “Mine” – Directed by Pierre Debusschere
12. “XO” – Directed by Terry Richardson
13. “***Flawless” – Directed by Jake Nava
14. “Superpower” – Directed by Jonas Akerlund
15. “Heaven” – Directed by Beyoncé & Todd Tourso
16. “Blue” – Directed by Beyoncé, Ed Burke & Bill Kirstein
**BONUS VIDEO – “Grown Woman” – Directed by Jake Nava

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Now that Justin Bieber finally popped his cherry by going to Brazil and sleeping with a prostitute, he's now convinced he's the expert of all things sex, as "PYD" clearly shows. PYD stands for "put you down" btw, which made me think this was an anti-bullying song for a while.

*Sigh*. Can I just listen to the iTunes snippet and pretend to have listened to the whole song and trash it? No? Ugh fine, gimme a second.

PYD = prickish young douchebag?
Browsing the YouTube comments while listening to this diarrhea.

Monday, November 18, 2013

This segment reviews the top 10 U.S. iTunes songs of the week.

iTunes Top 10: Diana, PYD, The Monster, Royals, etc.
iTunes Top 10 for 11/18 (taken around 4pm)
As thanksgiving (and more importantly, Black Friday) inches closer, the pop industry is churning out even more trash than usual. After all, executives need Christmas presents too ($$$). This week saw a massive influx in music by boys who are only popular because 13 year old girls want to have sex with them. Other than that, some pretty interesting reshuffling has happened. Where did all the females go? Let's find out, and start the impressions.

1. One Direction - Diana (review)

One Direction is top dog this week utilizing their massive fan-base of sexually frustrated Tumblr users to push this new release to the top. It's.... eh. More than the usual eh of One Direction. (maybe it's a grower?)

One Direction shirtless with a bunch of instafilters over them
Lbr, this is the only reason they're successful.
So even though One Direction is literally used as a euphemism for anal penetration in my friend circle ("I heard One Direction coming from my quad mate's room yesterday"), I actually listen to a few of their songs, especially this era. I got addicted to "Best Song Ever" once I found out I could play ukulele to it really easily, and I finally listened to "Story of my Life" and thought it was Spotify-worthy.

However, I can't really get into this song. Even looking beyond 1D's usual teen-Robin-Thicke lyrics. Like, it probably wasn't best to admit "you don't even know me" and then proceed to talk about sexing her up, and wanting to save her from her actual boyfriend. Also, do all five of them wanna have sex with this girl gang bang style, or are the rest just being musical wingmans?

One Direction as really airbrushed superheroes
"Don't worry! We'll save you from making your own choices about who you want to date!"
Anyway, the chorus is only decent and the verses are really dull. Next.


2. Justin Bieber -  PYD (feat. R Kelly) (review)

Can I just listen to the iTunes snippet and pretend to have listened to the whole song and trash it? No? Ugh fine, gimme a second.

PYD = prickish young douchebag?
Browsing the YouTube comments while listening to this diarrhea.
Darren Criss being sexier than you
Looking at hot guys to try and distract myself.
he's shirtless
Fuck this song is five minutes I did not plan for this.
r kelly is sad he got caught
Thinking up an R Kelly pee joke during his verse.
Okay so yeah, it still sucks.


3. Eminem - The Monster (feat. Rihanna) (review)

Eminem's pandering-to-the-charts song drops two spots, but we all know JB and 1D's songs are gonna fall out of the top 10 by tomorrow, so it's still pretty much on top.

"Must not... look grateful..."
I added this song on Spotify and have listened to it a bit (19 times). However, it's started to get pretty boring already. Eminem's verses are cute and all ("Hit the lottery, oh wee", "guess beggars can't be choosey"), and Rihanna is on the chorus, but it all feels really light. Which is weird for a song about suffering from multiple mental illnesses. Idk. Eminiem's gonna slay the charts with this, but I'm gonna keep listening to "Beautiful Pain" instead.


4. Lorde - Royals (review)

Can we talk about the music video for a second? Like

  1. How the US version is literally the same thing except we see Lorde's face more. Just shows how celebrity obsessed this country is compared to the rest of the world.
  2. The two dudes in this.
two gay guys smiling at each other
Does anyone else ship them? No? Okay.
   3. Why are they boxing in a suspiciously unfurnished house? Like for a song about just being a normal                teenager, nothing they do in this music video is what any real teen does. 
boy smiling about the fact he's bleeding from his mouth
Completely normal behavior.

5. OneRepublic - Counting Stars (review)

It'd take a really long time to count the stars. Like a seriously long time. Although I guess it'd probably take the same amount of time as counting dollars for OneRepublic with this song continuing to make bank.

I should probably talk about the music video, but I need a few more days to process it.

onerepublic is underneath a aa meeting and the floor broke

6. God$ha - Timber (feat. Shitbull) (review)

Timber cover
That girl's spray tan is as brown as wood.
God$ha continues to explode expectations and dominate the world with this pop masterpiece. In 100 years, historians will study this song for insight into the deep cultural values of early 21st century America. This song will play on the oldies station of Pandora. Ke$ha will be immortalized in ice so she can still smash out a hit every few years. And Warrior will still have sold less than 20 copies.


7. One Direction - Diana (review)

One Direction is top dog this week utilizing their massive fan-base of sexually frustrated Tumblr users to push this.... wait a second, what the fuck is this song doing at #7?!

Okay, so after thoroughly investigating, it seems that this version of the song is from the standard version of the album, while the one at #1 is from the deluxe version.

Also, both versions are exactly the same.

So pretty much, bitches be so thirsty they're buying this trash heap of a song twice in the hopes that Harry will let them suck his dick.

Not sure I'm seeing the appeal.

8. Imagine Dragons - Demons (review)

The cutest song of 2013 continues to get cuter. I've been blasting this song since last week, and still haven't gotten bored. Plus, the music video.

It's literally in memory of a guy who died of cancer, and consists of showing how their fan's lives are all fucked up (skinny guy hates being skinny, dad's an abusive drunk, etc).

Screengrab from "Demons" music video
Unaltered "Demons" music video screenshot.

9. Passenger - Let Her Go (review)

I really wanna like this song. Passenger has been around forever and now he finally is getting his first hit, the song's lyrics are well crafted, and it's great to see folk music making a (super minor) comeback.

But his voice is so annoying like holy fuck.


10. Katy Perry - Roar (review)

katy perry tries to be gangsta and its hilarious
All I have to say about the song this week.

Obscure Indie Gems: aka any song not in the top 10
50. Lily Allen - Hard Out Here: I was gonna make a full review of this song. I still might. But basically all you need to know about this song is the chorus is seven words and feminists, argued, a lot, about, this, song.

88. Sia - Elastic Heart: I finally got around to listening to this. Gonna play this song like 10 times once I publish this post to wash the taste of "PYD" from my mouth. (also, I'm totally convinced this would be a great song to make love to, even though the lyrics aren't very applicable for that act.)

I started this article like two years ago and never finished it. Cleaning house, here it is.

As mentioned before, these versions are direct NES ports of the games. Basically, a ROM dump. That means that all the glitches and bugs that were present in those games should work on your 3DS. This is really exciting for me, as I love trying out glitches. Here are a few of my favorites for you to try:

This segment reviews the top 10 U.S. iTunes songs of the week.

iTunes Top Ten review: All Bad, The Monster, Royals, Counting Stars, etc.
iTunes Top 10 for 11/11 (taken around 5pm)
On this lucky week (make a wish!), let's look at what songs are currently making bank in the top 10. This week isn't All Bad, as some Royal tunes are Roaring  and.... okay whatever, let's just skip to the impressions.

1. Justin Bieber - All Bad (review)

The newest entry in the "Music Mondays" series, Bieb's attempt to make his fans buy 10 singles and then also buy the album, "All Bad" is a title reflecting on his music.


After like two years of inactivity, the urge to blog again has hit. Well, it's hit at least one of us, aka me, Luke. Those other lazy bitches are doing far less important things like getting a college education and experiencing love.

So what's changed in two years? I've gotten even sassier, and am more interested in pop music than video games. Because video games are for nerds and virgins.

troll doll smiling at you with dead eyes
Also, I've taken my love of captions and applied that to hover-text.
But there'll still probably be video game stuff. Idk. I just want a place to be able to write about whatever thing is interesting me, so I'm hijacking this blog. Hope you like it.

a walking gay stereotype
Me, p-much.